Obituaries

Obituaries - September 13, 2060

Jordan "Domino Effect" Plantyman --
Jordan "Domino Effect" Plantyman has died after months of being in a coma at Wanapum National Portable Hospital. The general practitioner Juju Thompson was the person to find that he had died. Plantyman had been in a coma since April 28th, when he just walked into the portable hospital and "fell asleep". He was 32 years old and had four kids, all of which were German and could not speak English. Jordan and his wife, Melisa, were known to have frequently said, "why the crap do our kids speak German and nothing else". 

Cord Chart Mools --
Cord Chart Mools was found no longer alive in his regional hair cutting salon. Investigation is still pending, however police suspect murder. Notable suspects are Vice President of New Spain Larveda Pormp, the guy who invented grape soda with lemonade Charles Malinda, and some hobo outside our building who declined to share his name. Mools was single with no kids, probably because he owned a hair salon. He will be truly missed by his fish pets and his turtle.

Lizardious Tup Perware --
Lizardious Tup Perware died after being in the hospital with a mild case of athlete's foot. Perware was nineteen years old and his parents were notably "shocked" when they found out that Lizardious had athlete's foot. They couldn't believe he could get this disease being how young he was. Lizardious will be deeply missed by his family and friends.