March Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Valentine's Day may be over, Aries, but Cupid doesn't know that. If a naked flying baby shoots you this week, try to ignore it. If someone tries to behead you, however, do not ignore it. That is bad. Your lucky catchphrase is "Let them eat cake."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Saint Patrick's Day is fast approaching, Taurus. People are going to be watching to make sure that you are wearing perfect green on the upcoming holiday. Not slightly darker or lighter shades of green. It has to be perfect. It is advisable to literally cover your body in foliage. If anyone recognizes you, they're bound to find the right shade of green on you eventually. Your lucky catchphrase is, "I've heard it both ways."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month will have you writing fake horoscopes, Gemini. Make sure to never agree to participating in a silly newspaper website for a city that doesn't exist. It will kill you probably. But also you're hilarious. And attractive. I am not a Gemini what are you talking about. Your lucky catchphrase is, "The early bird gets the bABY?!..!"

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You need blood to survive, Cancer. Grab the gross-looking organ that's making thumping noises in your chest, and give it a squeeze. This will make blood be in your body. This is good. Do that. I am not a doctor. Your lucky catchphrase is, "I accidentally gave myself cardiac arrest."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Saturn controls your destiny this month, Leo. You should begin plotting your revenge on Saturn this weekend. Or the next weekend. Writing is hard. You'll get around to it eventually I'm sure. Walk through doorways backwards because it will put a spring in your step. Your lucky catchphrase is, "THIS!!  IS! !!1! SPARTA!!!" Kick people into bottomless pits.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Janet please, I need my coffee. Janet stop it you look so fat. That's not me talking, that's what the stars say. Make of that what you will. Your lucky catchphrase is, "Gotta catch Amal." The other phrase is owned by Pokemon sorry.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
I forgot to write your horoscope yesterday, Libra. That means this is the month of your death. I'm writing this from the future. Your lucky catchphrase is...irrelevant, because you are going to die.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This is the month of humility, Scorpio. It is time to be so humble that everyone else is jealous, because you are more humble than literally everyone. Heck yeah. Your lucky catchphrase is, "Stop. Hammertime."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good things come to those who wait, Sagittarius. Sit on your bedroom floor all month. If anyone asks you what you are doing do not respond with words. Stand up, take their face in your hands, and whisper, "Mayonnaise." Your lucky catchphrase is, "Mayonnaise."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Great things are in store for you, Capricorn, but only if you are in a store that sells, like, fish sticks. Those are amazing. But not as amazing as this skateboard. You will never be as awesome as this skateboard. You kind of suck. Your lucky phrase is, "Wow I sure wish I was Pod Pod's skateboard." But don't get your hopes up.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
A bird in the hand is worth a lot less than it used to be, Aquarius. Inflation, you know. Try to save up your money this month, because the economy sucks worse than Capricorn. Your lucky phrase is, "Put the money in the bag!"

Pisces (February 18 - March 20)
Stand tall, Pisces. Because you're really short. Ha ha, short loser. I was raised as a goldfish. Your lucky catchphrase is, "They're magically delicious!"

Get it because you're short and a leprechaun.