WARNING

ANTI-CLIMATE SHIELDING DOME WARNING INITIATED

BREAKING

RABID DOLPHIN COLONY THREATENS NATO; NEGOTIATIONS SOON SAYS PRESIDENT. COMCOM TELECOMMUNICATIONS HACKED; USER DATA LIKELY LEAKED. PRESIDENT OF NEW PRUSSIA DECLARES STATE OF PANIC AS COLOR ORANGE SWEEPS EUROPE. DELIVERY TRUCKS ACROSS NATION DISAPPEAR; RANSOM NOTE FOUND IN NORTH CAROLINA. GRAND CANYON FLOODS; METHANE AND HYDROCHLORIC ACID FOUND IN WATER. KIDFLAMP TOY COMPANY RECALLS ROBOTIC TEDDY BEARS. BARRY'S PIZZA COMPANY SUED AFTER CUSTOMER FINDS MICROCHIP IN PIZZA. PAKISTANI GOVERNMENT REQUESTS TO BE REMOVED FROM MAPS; HOPES FOR STEALTHIER ATTACK POSSIBILITIES.

Saturday

Ask Pod Pod!

Welcome Wanapum City Newspaper's newest advice column:  Ask Pod Pod! I, Pod Pod, will accept questions from readers, and I will attempt to help you all survive your horrible, depressing lives.

This week, since there are no questions, I will tell you all how to eat your cereal properly.

First, you need to take a spoon in your hand. Next, you need to close your eyes. Consider your life. Think about the last time you put your shirt on backwards. Why did you do that? Do you want people to make fun of you? I think you are clinically depressed. I am not a doctor, but your shirt should not be on backwards. You're so weird, gosh. Please just eat your Lucky Charms. They give you visions of the future. Be merry, young philosopher. We are the harbingers of revolution.

WELCOME TO

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